


Catschmidt

by touchedglitter



Category: New Girl
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 09:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2305193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchedglitter/pseuds/touchedglitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick needs to get back in the game, so Schmidt signs him up for JDate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catschmidt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kyra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyra/gifts).



> This story inspired by [Kyra and Jake Johnson](http://kyrafic.tumblr.com/post/51035135894/meantsomethinglikethat-jake-johnson-mtv-remote).

“You’ve gotta get back out there, man,” Schmidt tells Nick on their first morning as actual rooming-together-roommates. “It’s the only way to get Jess off your mind.”

“She’s not going to be off my mind, Schmidt. She lives here. And I don’t want her to move out. I like having her around.” Nick zips and unzips and rezips his hoodie rapidly. He’s been keeping the loft at a cool 65, just so the hoodie feels extra cozy, and he’s noticed that Schmidt hasn’t given him a hard time about it yet.

“Not your mind mind, Nick. Your pants-mind. Your jene-se-talia. Little Nick.” Schmidt is typing on his laptop with a speed Nick assumes he can only have acquired via years spent communicating with strangers on AIM and Yahoo Chat.

“Hey. He’s not little. He’s big.”

“I’d know that if you’d let me see -”

“Man, what is this thing with you wanting to see my penis? It’s not a thing best friends just do, Schmidt. Drop it already.” Nick pulls a bouncy ball out from his hoodie pocket. Jess gave it to him after a spectacularly successful performance in bed one night when she’d run out of gold stars. (He keeps the gold stars on a card in his wallet. He has a wallet now. He bought it right after he opened his bank account.) He likes that it’s smooth in his hand and makes a satisfying thwap when it hits the wall. He throws it at the wall behind Schmidt’s head.

Schmidt ducks. He doesn’t yell at Nick about how he’s damaging the wall, or could break the laptop, or give him a concussion. Schmidt is altogether far too nice these days.

“I put together a profile for you on JDate. Take a look.” Schmidt hands him the laptop.

“I’m not even Jewish, Schmidt. And this says I like artisanal latkes? What are those?” Nick places his hand on the home row. He’s been practicing his typing in all the time he’s not spending with Jess. He’s up to 30 words per minute now.

“Fancy potato pancakes.” Schmidt’s eyes are soft. He isn’t squinting. His voice is soft, too. He sounds kind of like he always did after he witnessed Nick and Caroline having a fight. Schmidt’s a good best friend.

“I do like those, man!” Nick laughs. He secretly likes fancy foods. He just doesn’t know their names.

“I know you do. That’s why you need a good Jewish girl. Just check this account sometimes, okay? Maybe you’ll find your one true love on here!” He closes the laptop. Nick’s one true love isn’t on JDate, but he doesn’t tell Schmidt that.

***

Nick has a message on JDate the first time he checks. It’s from a girl named Tabitha. She likes scotch and bartenders and looks a lot like that girl from Community and Mad Men. She really likes quotes from Ernest Hemingway, but doesn’t have the attention span to finish reading any of his books. But she thinks he’s really manly. She’s from Chicago but she lives in LA. She’s super into zombie detective novels. She’s not great at spelling.

Nick knows she’s not his true love, but he sends her a message back. For Schmidt.

***

Nick and Tabitha message a lot now. He kind of wants to meet her. He’s not saying she can heal his heart, just that she seems pretty cool. She’s got plans for the Earth’s colony on Mars, and she’s never sure why people always want to call in professionals when they can fix things themselves. She hates extravagance and loves simplicity. She thinks dudes look really hot with little bellies and henley shirts and mussed hair and a two-day-old five-o’-clock shadow that still isn’t quite a beard. She thinks men should have body hair, and that it’s totally weird for your best friend to want to see your penis. (But maybe you should show it to him anyway, to be nice, because it sounds like he’s really been with you through a lot, and you kind of owe it to him after that time you ignored all his calls when he really needed you.)

He brings this up to Schmidt. “I’m not saying I am falling for this girl, man. I’m just saying, she seems cool, and I think it’s worth it to meet her.”

“Oh… I don’t think that’s a good idea, Nick. You know these internet girls. They’re into weird stuff. They have cat feather toy fetishes and want you to call them Castiel.” Schmidt’s making Nick some beer cupcakes with stout frosting. When Nick requested this particular flavor combo, Schmidt made no objection. Nick is thinking about having Schmidt committed.

“What the hell, man. You’re the one who signed me up for JDate.” Nick snaps a selfie with Schmidt’s phone. It gives a really good view of his nostrils. He figures Tabitha doesn’t want some airbrushed version of him. She’s seen his soul on JDate. The physical doesn’t even matter to her.

“Do what you want, Nick. Just… Be aware of the potential consequences is all I’m saying.” Schmidt licks the frosting spreader thingy and makes a face like a man who wants to puke.

“Oh, I’m aware of the potential consequences. Boob consequences.” Nick raises his eyebrows and sends Tabitha a message suggesting they meet.

***

It takes a lot of convincing, but Tabitha agrees to meet him. This has shaken Nick’s confidence a fair amount, because he expected her to agree right away. She suggests that they both carry roses and copies of Anna Karenina. Nick hasn’t read Anna Karenina, but he reads the summary on Wikipedia to make sure he doesn’t sound like a complete idiot if she wants to talk about it.

They plan to meet at a little cafe just a short walk from the loft.

Jess has a copy of Anna Karenina on her bookshelf, and Nick borrows it without telling her. He figures she wants him to be happy, and meeting Tabitha will probably make him happy, so she won’t mind.

***

When Nick gets to the cafe, he sees Schmidt sitting at a table with a rose and a copy of Anna Karenina. “Hey, man!” Nick greets him with a big smile. “Are you reading this too? I love the part where the rail worker falls in front of the train!”

“What?” Schmidt looks around like he’s looking for somebody distinctly not Nick. “No, man, I met this girl on JDate and she told me to meet her here with a rose and Anna Karenina.”

“Me too! That girl Tabitha told me the same thing!” Nick thinks there must be some chick flick that makes girls want to meet dudes at cafes with roses and Anna Karenina.

Schmidt stands up, gracefully dropping his napkin on the table rather than the ground, which is what Nick would have done. “Nick! I think Tabitha must be a fake name, and this girl - if she’s even a girl - is running sock puppet accounts and two-timing us. That bitch. Oh, I am done with her.” Schmidt has all of the outward appearance of being in a rage - flaring nostrils, raised eyebrows, wide eyes - but Nick knows him well enough to sense that this is all for show. Schmidt’s not actually pissed off at all. “Destiel-loving little asshole. I’m just glad I didn’t let her talk me into dressing up as Dean.”

“Hey man, it’s cool,” Nick tells him, clapping him on the shoulder. “I mean, I’m not even Jewish, so I was probably just going to be a disappointment to this girl anyway.”

“So… you’re not mad?” Schmidt holds his fist in front of his mouth.

“Nah, man. Does this place have latkes? I thought it did. That’s why I suggested it.” Nick sits down in the seat across from Schmidt’s. Schmidt sits back down and stares at him, his eyes glistening a bit.

“They have amazing latkes.”

“Then let’s get some! Garcon!” Nick looks around for a waiter.

Schmidt closes his eyes and breathes deeply in through his nose, blowing the breath out through pursed lips over a count of eight. “It was me, Nick.”

“What was you?” Nick asks before taking a big gulp of water.

“Tabitha. She was me. I was her.” Schmidt is carefully studying his hands on the table.

“I know,” Nick says.

“You do?” Schmidt’s voice shakes.

“C’mon, man. You think I really believed a girl who looks like that actress from Community and Mad Men was going to be interested in me? Right after I was lucky enough to bag Jess? Lightning doesn’t strike twice, my man.”

“When did you figure it out?” Schmidt asks.

“About two seconds ago,” Nick admits. “You had me going there. I thought this girl was just using a fake picture and would turn out to be ugly. But once you started in on that sock puppet account stuff, I knew.”

“And you’re not mad?”

“Of course I’m not mad. That shit Tabitha wrote was the sweetest shit anybody’s ever said to me.”

“You deserve love, Nick.” Schmidt’s extended his hand halfway across the table. Nick takes it and rubs his thumb across the back of it.

“I know. So do you, buddy.” Schmidt chokes back a sob. Nick pulls his hand back from Schmidt’s and studiously examines the menu. “Who do you think’s going to the Superbowl this year?”

“I’m thinking Seahawks vs. Broncos, but Coach has a better handle on these things than I do.” Schmidt wipes his eyes.

“Yeah.” Nick looks up from the menu and smiles at Schmidt.

“Yeah.” Schmidt smiles right back.


End file.
